Weed Jokes: The Best Stoner Humor for Your Next Sesh

Here's a roundup of weed and drug jokes: the stoner who ends up in hell, the dad who isn't really the dad, the dealers on probation and a few more classics to pass around the circle. Jokes pop up sooner or later in any conversation with friends, family or your partner, and they work because they're close cousins of riddles, lateral thinking and the eureka moment. The key ingredient is surprise: no surprise, no joke, and surprise is also what makes riddles, lateral thinking and that "eureka effect" tick.

Some of the biggest nerds in history have weighed in on this. The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said humor is putting something in the wrong place. For Sigmund Freud, a joke is the unconscious mind getting caught off guard by something unexpected. Aristotle, meanwhile, filed laughter under the broader category of the ugly, although legend has it his original writings on comedy were lost for good, and the Church gets the blame.

So, as you can see, today we're bringing you some weed jokes, stoned memes and a bit of dirty humor.

Drug Jokes

The Perils of Hell

Three guys die in a car crash and go to hell. When they get there, the devil asks each of them a question.

He asks the first guy, "What was your worst sin on earth?" and the guy says, "I loved booze and getting wasted." So the devil shows him a room packed with every kind of alcohol you can imagine, shoves him in and says, "See you in 100 years," and shuts the door.

He asks the second guy the same question, and he says, "Man, I loved sleeping around, I cheated on my wife a bunch of times." The devil shows him a room full of hundreds of thousands of gorgeous naked women. The guy walks in, the devil says, "See you in 100 years," and shuts the door.

The third guy answers, "Dude, I LOVED weed! I was baked all the time and couldn't live without it!" The devil shows him a room stacked floor to ceiling with the finest cannabis buds around. The guy walks in and the devil shuts the door, saying, "See you in 100 years."

A hundred years later the devil comes back to let them out. He opens the first door and finds the guy slumped on the floor, surrounded by empty bottles and covered in puke. Total wreck.

The devil opens the second door and the guy bolts out screaming, "I'M GAY! I'M GAY!" Finally, the devil opens the third door. Sitting in the middle of all those buds, in exactly the same spot he'd been left, is the third guy. He looks up at the devil and, with a tear rolling down his cheek, says, "Hey man... got a light?"

The Dad Who Wasn't

-Are you doing drugs?
-No, Dad, I swear I'm not!
-Haha, relax, I'm the dog.
-Hahaha, phew, you scared me.

The Possession

-My cousin got locked up
-What for?
-Possession
-Demonic?
-No, weed

Don't Drop the Soap!

Two dealers get probation on one condition: within a week, they have to get as many people as possible to quit smoking weed, using nothing but a pen and a sheet of paper. A week later they're back in front of the judge, who asks how it went.

The first one stands up and says he saved 100 people by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper. "How is that supposed to make anyone quit smoking weed?" the judge asks. "I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs, and the small circle is the size of their brain when they're high." "Fair enough," says the judge. "Sentence dismissed."

He turns to the second guy and asks for his results. "I did pretty much the same thing, but I got 200 people off drugs by drawing the small circle first and then the big one." "And how did you save more people?" "I told them the small circle is the size of their asshole BEFORE they go to prison!"

The Global Munchies

If everyone on earth smoked a joint at the same time, we'd have world peace for at least 2 hours. Followed by a global food shortage.

Waiting for Green

What's the difference between a stoner and a drunk at a red light? The drunk blows right through it, the stoner waits for it to turn green.

Gram vs. Grammy

You can't use drugs to win the Olympics, but you can use Auto-Tune to win a Grammy. The hypocrisy, honestly.

How to Become a Great Musician

After watching the biopics about Miles Davis, Chet Baker and Ray Charles, it's crystal clear to me that the best way to become a great musician is to do a ton of drugs.

The Three Wishes

A stoner finds a weird-looking oil lamp in the trash, rubs it to clean it off, and out pops a genie: "For setting me free, I grant you three wishes!" The stoner says, "Cool, my first wish is a never-ending joint of the best Sour Diesel!" Poof! A 15 cm (6 in) joint appears in his hand. He takes a few hits, loves the flavor and the buzz, so he sits back and chills.

The genie goes, "Hey, you've still got two more wishes, remember?" "Oh, right... let's see... two more of these!"

The Wrong Question

-Cop to stoner: "Are you high?"
-Stoner, laughing: "No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

Every Citizen's Duty

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, how can we help?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith! He's got weed hidden in his firewood." "Thank you very much for your call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents search Billy Bob's house. And the shed where he keeps the firewood. They hack every last log to pieces with axes, but find no weed at all. They chew Billy Bob out and leave.

Then Billy Bob's phone rings. "Hey, Billy Bob, did the FBI show up?" "Yep!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy birthday, buddy!"