Weed Jokes: The Best Stoner Humor for Your Next Sesh

Looking for weed jokes? You're in the right place: jokes are the kind of thing that eventually pops up in any conversation — with friends, family, your partner, whoever. Comedy is closely related to riddles, lateral thinking and the famous "eureka" effect, and that's the key to all of it: no surprise, no joke. Surprise is also the basic ingredient of riddles, lateral thinking and that lightbulb moment when everything clicks.

Some of the biggest nerds in world history weighed in on this momentous matter: the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said that humor is putting something in the wrong place. According to Sigmund Freud, a joke is the unconscious mind's ability to be caught off guard by an unfamiliar stimulus. Aristotle, for his part, saw laughter as a subdivision of the universal concept of ugliness — although his original writings on humor were burned by the Church.

So, as you can see, today we've come bearing marijuana jokes, stoned memes and some good old green humor.

Drug Jokes

The Perils of Hell

Three men died in a car crash and went to hell. Once they arrived, the devil asked each of them a question.

To the first he said: "What was your worst sin on Earth?" The man answered: "I loved booze and being drunk." So the devil showed him a room packed with alcohol of every kind and description, shoved him in and said: "See you in 100 years," and shut the door.

He asked the second man the same question, and he replied: "Oh man, I loved sleeping around — I cheated on my wife more times than I can count." So the devil showed him a room filled with hundreds of thousands of gorgeous naked women. The man walked in and the devil said: "See you in 100 years," and shut the door.

The third man's answer to the same question was: "Oh man, I LOVED weed! I was high all the time — I couldn't live without it!" The devil showed him a room stacked to the ceiling with the finest cannabis buds. The man walked in, the devil shut the door and said: "See you in 100 years."

A hundred years later, the devil came back to release the three men. He opened the first door and found the man collapsed on the floor, surrounded by empty bottles and covered in vomit from head to toe. He was an absolute mess.

The devil opened the second door and the man ran out of the room screaming: "I'M GAY! I'M GAY!" Finally, the devil opened the third door. Sitting in the middle of the buds, in the exact same position he'd been left in, was the third man. He looked up at the devil and, with a single tear rolling down his cheek, said: "Hey man... got a light?"

The Dad Who Wasn't

-Are you doing drugs?
-No, Dad, I swear I'm not!
-Haha, relax, it's me, the dog.
-Hahaha, you scared me.

The Joint Operation

-They locked my cousin up.
-What for?
-A joint operation.
-With the FBI?
-No, with a lighter.

Don't Drop the Soap!

Two dealers are out on parole on one condition: in a single week, they have to get as many people as possible to quit smoking weed — armed with nothing but a pen and a sheet of paper. After a week, they're back in front of the judge, who asks for their results.

The first one stands up and says he saved 100 people by drawing one big circle and one small circle on the paper. "How could that possibly make anyone quit smoking weed?" the judge asks. "I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs, and the small circle is the size of their brain when they're high." "Fair enough," says the judge, "sentence lifted."

He turns to the second man and asks for his result. "I did more or less the same thing, but I got 200 people off drugs — by drawing the small circle first and then the big one." "And how did that save more people?" "I told them the small circle is their asshole BEFORE going to prison!"

The Global Munchies

If everyone in the world smoked a joint at the same time, we'd have world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.

The Color Green

What's the difference between a stoner and a drunk at a red light? The drunk runs it without braking; the stoner waits for it to turn green.

Gram vs. Grammy

You can't use drugs to win the Olympics, but you can use Auto-Tune to win a Grammy. The hypocrisy, honestly.

How to Become a Great Musician

After watching the biopics of Miles Davis, Chet Baker and Ray Charles, it's crystal clear to me that the best way to become a great musician is to do a whole lot of drugs.

Three Wishes

A stoner finds a weird-looking oil lamp in the trash and rubs it clean, and out pops a genie: "You've freed me — I'll grant you three wishes!" The stoner says: "Alright, my first wish is a never-ending joint rolled with the best Sour Diesel!" Poof! A 15 cm (6-inch) joint appears in his hand. He takes a few drags and is blown away by the delicious flavor and the high, so he sits back and relaxes.

And the genie says: "Hey, buddy, you've got two more wishes, remember?" "Oh, right... let's see... Two more of these!"

The Wrong Question

-The cop to the stoner: "How high are you?"
-The stoner laughs: "No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

Every Citizen's Duty

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, how can we help you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for your call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents search Billy Bob's house. And the shed where he keeps the firewood. Armed with axes, they smash every single log to pieces, but find no marijuana anywhere. They curse Billy Bob out and leave.

Then Billy Bob's phone rings. "Hey, Billy Bob, did the FBI show up?" "Yep!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy birthday, buddy!"